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(The following is my best recollection of the speech I made at the 21st of my twin brothers Ben and Peter a week ago. Their 21st was very cool, I have to say, and given that they are the youngest in the family, it was also the last 21st; the end of an era.)

Hi everyone. I think that some of you have been getting the wrong idea of what it was like to grow up in our family. It has been different to what most of you think; for example, there was more violence. I’m going to give you some examples of this violence; examples that help illustrate how Peter and Ben became the people they are today.

First, Ben, just like in real life. Ben used to get really angry quite often, particularly when he was playing games on the computer. For example, he might have been playing PacMan and the ghost would get him, and he’d get really angry; and the thing is, it was never his fault. It was always the keyboard got stuck, or the mouse didn’t work properly, or the computer would freeze; it was never the case that Ben made a mistake, it was always the computer.

When Ben got angry, he would hit the computer or hit the desk, and make a really loud noise; then we would say “Ben, you’re not supposed to take your anger out on the computer”. So, in order to make less noise and not attract anyone’s attention, Ben – I only found out about this recently – would hit himself instead of the computer.

So he would get annoyed with the computer, but instead of hitting the computer he would hit himself. Isn’t it eerily appropriate that he became an art student?

Next, Peter. I have a scar on my left wrist – can you see that (demonstrates scar to nearby girl, but she can’t see it) – well it’s there. The scar exists and Peter was involved. This happened about nine years ago now. I was on the computer – so again the computer is involved – and the computer was near the door to the kitchen and Peter was opening and closing the door repeatedly. I found that annoying so I decided to put a stop to it. Now, the door has a wooden frame and glass in the middle, and because I am an exceptionally smart person, I thought – well, I didn’t think, really – I thought I would reach out with my arm and stop him by pushing against the glass rather than the wooden frame – and I fell right through the door.

So I fell through the door, and my left wrist got cut open, there was blood all over the floor, mixed with glass, and the glass was red from the blood, and there was bits of arm flesh mixed with the blood, and I said “Call an ambulance!” and I was taken to hospital.

That was the first time Peter got to cut someone open, and he was so inspired by this, that he decided to become a doctor, and that’s why Peter is a medical student.

However, despite all these things, despite Ben hitting himself and Peter cutting me open – I still (looks at them) love you. So yeah. Happy 21st birthday.

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